Joining the rest of them.

Every holiday season Jane recieves a massive pile of holiday cards. Many of them are not cards but those letters that go on and on about how great life is in the family. And if it's not great - i.e., a divorce or something else equally un-good - then they make it sound like it's great anyway - i.e., no mention of the split: instead, "Margie is doing GREAT!!! She is dating up a STORM!! And they are all rich, handsome, and super duper awesome!! Great!"

So I decided to write one for us this year, b/c really, what else do I do in IN aside from shop, eat, and take up space at my parents' house? So if you're curious how we here at my house do holiday letters, indulge. If you want to read the only line I really like, then skip to the very end and read the paragraph about getting older:

Warm tidings from a very frigid climate!

Or at least frigid in the opinion of the writer of the first ever and very official Linderman holiday letter, who now lives in the warmth of LA and thus is unable to deal with Indiana winters. It has been a good year for Dick, Jane, and Spot as well as Dick, Jane, Sara, Greg, and Jack, and that, combined with the inspiration of years of fantastic letters from friends and family, has led to the sending of this letter.

All in our house will agree that the highlight of our year is the new bundle of joy that has taken up residence at 511 Cornwall Court: Mr. Jack Bauer, our beloved new golden retriever who since joining the family as a wee one in June has sprouted into a beautiful and very spirited 60 lb adult. Of note is the fact that Jack may be the only 60 lb golden retriever who sees himself as a 10 lb lapdog extraordinaire.

Jane, Jack’s fare caregiver, unfortunately discovered just how spirited Jack is in early October when he pulled her down on the hill. Physical therapy has been going well for her and she has graduated from crutches and is doing much better to the delight of the family. As we all know, she keeps the household running, so her speedy recovery is prayed for by us all.

Dick is taking up some of the slack but has been busy getting his new office in order. He moved North and is now just around the corner (close enough to come home for lunchtime each and every day) from Cornwall court. The office has been open for nearly a month now, and thanks to Jane’s keen eye, it looks fantastic. We hope that fake breasts continue to be in style and also hope that North-side woman value this chic accessory even more than their South-side counterparts.

Greg and I continue to thrive in LA, where fake breasts are of course valued more than ever. Greg has made dean’s list once again and will be graduating from USC’s School of Engineering this summer. Watching Top Gun 3 times a day for years on end has finally proven worthwhile, as Greg will most likely become the modern day Maverick (or perhaps Ice Man?) when he attends flight school and learns how to be a “naval aviator” in Pensacola this coming year. He is now taking orders for official-issue aviator sunglasses.

I too will graduate…again…this summer. You might know my school as the one that defeated those dastardly Trojans this winter, in what is the greatest upset in college football history, ever…or at least that is what I call it. I’ll be an official MBA. I will be leaving behind LA to pursue a career in brand management at Clorox in San Francisco, or, as Greg likes to call it (at least once/week), the most expensive city in the country, this fall. When I’m not creating the newest packaging sensations for bleach, I’ll be happy to do freelance consulting on your behalf for a very, very hefty sum. But I might offer you a special deal.

With many good things to celebrate, celebrate the Lindermans did to close out 2006, with a week in Cancun. Focal points of the week included testing the various angles of the chaise lounges to obtain optimal tanning positions and sampling the local cervezas and cocktails. Wow, it was exhausting.

We aren’t sure how another year has passed, but we prefer to think we haven’t aged at all. Except Greg, who aged 5 years to close the gap between him and his 26 year old girlfriend.

On that note, fair tidings to all and a most joyous New Years! We send you all good fortune, good health, and good spirits!

Much love,
Dick, Jane, Sara, and Greg

OH PS: random Mexico pic for you.

Fine, fine, we'll have the chowmein. (Post #100!)

I really don’t like minivans. I actually kind of hate them. They are by far the most unfashionable of all types of automobile and I care not if they are just great for soccer moms hauling around their soccer kids, I will never, ever, drive one. If my mom had ever tried to drive one (she was an SUV mom thank you) I think I would’ve stolen the keys or something. Sorry if I’ve offended… Listen, plz don’t take offense. It’s ridiculous to hate a car genre b/c it’s unfashionable anyway….yes…it is.

Anyway I just had my dislike renewed b/c on the way home this evening I was driving behind one and they had a tv inside playing something or other. And I swear it was incredibly distracting to me. I could barely pay attention to the ride b/c I was so preoccupied with trying to figure out what they were watching inside. Was it The Hills? And…was I on it???

Anyway, they sure are Midwest. Wanna know what else is Midwest, aside from the hideous, brutal, miserable cold of winter? Cheap drinks. I say amen. I had dinner tonight and ordered a (non-well) cocktail and it was $4.95. Let’s forget about the “0.95” aspect of that which is totally dumb and focus on the cheapness. That is unheard of in LA. Which sure is nice.

So what else do I have to say. Well it’s been…I think…10 days of pure unadulterated family time for me so far. I have seen more of Dick, Jane, and Greg and only D, J, and G than I ever thought imaginable. And we’re all still alive, which is good. But I will say this. I was due to lunch w/ my bf, Annie, this morning, at Patachou, where I order the lentil pate on sour dough w/ extra blue cheese horseradish spread like it’s a religion, as we do every time we come home. I came down for my coffee this morning and Jane is all, “I didn’t know you were having lunch w/ Annie and Mare this morning! Why didn’t you invite me?” That would be b/c I didn’t know we were having lunch w/ Mare and Jane either… Jane couldn’t make it, so it was just the three of us, but I was sure to give Annie a big, hearty, and sincere thank you for nearly giving me yet more time w/ my mother. I do love her, I do to death, but I need to change up my company. For my sanity.

After lunch I went to the gym w/ Jane, where, after my workout, I did something so Midwest girl, I hit up the tanning bed in winter. You see I have a lovely tan right now thanks to Cancun, but I’m most worried right now about losing it. I have a wedding on Saturday night and I am bound and determined to be the f’in tan girl at the wedding. No one is going to take that away from me, even if it means putting my real-sunned body under some fake-sun and walking away with the faint scent of cooking skin under my sweaty workout clothes and into the 30 degree cold. So take that you bitches, I WILL be the tan girl.

Final piece of news I have. In Cancun we ate ridiculous meals for dinner every night. I took down more steak, lobster, and seafood dripping in cream than I cared to see in a single span of a week. And our first night back in IN Jane cooked leg of lamb. I of all people am not one to turn down savory culinary treats, but last night, when Jane brought out the pepper steak and prepared to serve it up with scalloped potatoes, we put the kibosh on dinner and said no. No more red meat, cream, and starch all in one meal, nope, not going to happen.

So what ensued. We went to a 7pm of Pursuit of Happiness (pretty good). And then we left and everyone craved potstickers. And we did the most cliché modern Jew move: we totally stopped and picked up Chinese takeout at 9:30pm on Christmas day. We have resisted for so many years, but we finally succumbed. I can’t say I’m proud of it…but I will admit that it happened.

And I figured since we’ve already indulged in this one really big cliché, might as well indulge another: want to know what my project for tomorrow is? Writing a “holiday letter” for the Lindy family (Jane does New Years cards v. Xmas time cards). I like to think mine will not be as sappy and irritating as all those that pile in our kitchen every holiday season…but…let’s be real. If you’re going to go cliché I think you may as well go all out.

With love from IN: The end.

Don't worry about me, I'm doing just fine.

Greetings from my really big and marble-y hotel room in Cancun, where i'm sitting in my big huge white robe and super fluffy slippers. I am pretending that I have no Internet access on this vaca but that is kind of a lie as I do, but you do have to pay for it, so I'm capped to a couple hours. But anyone who writes me emails that deal with anything that I don't want to think about which is pretty much anything that relates to reality - as far as they are concerned I have no Internet.

But if having the Internet means I get to log on to blog and tell you kids how incredibly fabulously wonderfully great vaca is going for me, then it totally exists.

I guess the only drawback is that I really have nothing at all to write about. I could tell you about my daily routine, whereby I wake up at 10, go to the gym, work up a sweat, shower and change into my bikini, and spend the day reading and sunning. I could mention that it's puntuated by a salad at 2, a Dos Equis around 3, and a late afternoon mojito. I could describe my seating arrangements, which include your standard chaise as well as these chair things that are kind of built into the the pool so you can kind of sit in about 3 inches of water, just enough to keep you nice and cool.

Oh and I could offhandedly note that yesterday involved a deep tissue massage. I guess I do have one thing to say bout that. I typically go to a massage in undies, but yesterday feeling very tropical and free I went w/out as I guess that is what you're supposed to do anyway. So I think the masseuse sure did touch my ass a lot. I didn't feel violated really, but I might have if he had been unattractive. I don't know. Perhaps he was just very lower back centric, but I'm fairly certain he saw the majority of my butt. How do I feel about that? Unsure really, kind of unsure. A little bit unconcerned.

What else could I tell you? Well I guess I coudl show you with pictures, but that will have to wait until I'm back home. I know that you're really really excited about that and can't wait to see the photos. But until then it's time to climb into my really, really big bed and go to sleep b/c I have that hard day in front of me again tomorrow. I think I'll be parasailing too. Anyway, please don't be worrying about me down here in Mexico, as I'm doing just fine. Hugs and kisses around. The end.

Your next MTV reality star: Right Here.

It still gets me super confused when I have days like this. I was up at 9am this morning right? And now it’s 6pm. That’s a lot a lot of hours. Technically I should not have any issues with taking care of the few key tasks that I have to finish before I head to my crazy Cancun vaca tomorrow morning at f’in 5:30 – laundry, packing, some email shit, AMR (kill me). Instead, I brunched (Aly you are most def a domestic goddess and I’m in awe), I have mani/pedi’ed (hot pink thank you), I have shopped (bought a dress which was the object of my obsession and to avoid any further obsession I just bought it, sorry couldn’t help it, have absolutely no self-control). And now it’s like 6 and I want to take a nap and then go out but instead I have all this shit to do – so clearly I’m digging right in. it’s not like I’m blogging to procrastinate. Anyway I really really needed to update this b/c you know I don’t want to neglect it and stuff.

So anyway. I have a story.

The other day, I’m shopping on Robertson w/ Aly (that’s a double shout out for you dumpling!) and we see that something is being filmed. We go into Lisa Kline and we’re in there trying to figure out who the hell they’re shooting. And then I see her: Heidi, my favorite blond ambition(less) flake who spends her days tanning and her nights drinking in those gorgeous HWood Hills. She was having truly retarded conversations with some new girl who most likely is her new best friend that MTV went out and found for her. So anyway she’s totally all up on in the sales rack which is not cool b/c I can’t afford anything in that store if it’s not on the sale rack and then even then…I really can’t…so I’m trying to stay out of the way of the crew but apparently…I didn’t do such a hot job.

Cuz on our way out they ask us to sign release forms cuz we were in a bunch of the background shots. Most awesome thing that happened to me all week. I’m totally watching The Hills next season (like I wasn’t going to anyway but whatever) and watching for my little moment of fame. Too bad I looked like ass, no makeup, hat on, huge bulky sweater, will most likely look like some random ugly girl wearing too much clothing and attempting to hide unwashed hair from the world. But I guess you have to take it as you can get it.

So now that I’ve told my story…I’m going to start packing my BIKINI b/c I’m going to the tropics and I cannot wait!!! Until then, mistletoe and eggnog and too much family time to you.

Once a victim, twice a victim

Don't you hate when you set personal rules for yourself and then they get in the way of stuff you really want to do? Like, I have a rule that I will NOT ever blog about my personal/intimate/dating life. I need to maintain some air of mystery... But then, I just exchanged/heard an awesome, awesome story, and I totally want to write it, but if I did, it would violate this rule. So, alas, I cannot do it. But know this: it will kill me softly, for at least another hour or two.

Anyway, so I think someone is out to get me. You may recall that a few weeks ago, I got f'in egged. Egg, all over the back of this one black jacket of mine. A jacket that I happened to wear again last night - it's back from the dry cleaner and all better. (Side note on the black jacket: it's a very fine gauge corduroy, but something about i t makes it looks really super soft I guess even though it's really not b/c people were touching it all night last night). So, I am at this party in SMon. The party was awesome as I got to eat a lot of freshly grilled meat with my hands, drink very fruit-packed sangria, and play flip cup on a kitchen counter top.

But then we leave and head to a bar, and I shit you not, I packed 10 people in the Honda. Safety first guys, safety first. Anyway, I am approaching my car and I see something all up on my driver side window. As I get closer, with my 9 passengers, I see that my car has been EGGED. I have been an egging victim twice in less than one month.

At first I thought, eerie coincidence, right? But the more I think about, the more I wonder if there is some deranged person out there that really has it out for me and is determined to make my life hell by coating my person and my vehicle with chicken placenta. All I can say is I guess if that is the worst it could get then I do have some level of safety.

Hmm. I am off to the car wash to de-egg. Stay safe and watch for flying white orbs!

Unbelievable

So for me, yesterday was a big day in the world of sports. It's really v. funny that I'm saying that, b/c if you know me...you know that the world of sports is generally a world I could care slightly more than less about. Only slightly. But yesterday I got all wrapped up in it, I think mostly b/c little Greggy and I have an intense rivalry of trojans (who suck) v. bruins (who are awesome) that threatens to rip our family in two. Not really. But I can't resist sounding dramatic.

Anyway, so it was the big game. We started drinking around 10:30 am and then somewhere between jello shot number 2 and tequilla shot number 1 and beer number 58 I got a ticket to the game for free. I went to the game w/ a bunch of friends and our plan was: tailgate - yes! game - no! Why pay like $60 to see your team get slaughterhous fived? But anyway you see I had much to drink and little else to do if I went home as I'd only fall asleep on my couch, so when the free ticket found its way into my palm I accepted.

And then what can only be described as the biggest upset in football history (at least that's what I call it) occurred, and UCLA won. It was mad exciting, and I cheered until my nodules were in full effect so I could not even talk by the end of the night. PS: that is me there, in the foto, with the fat arm and the the blue hat.

Oh can I say? The end was freaky. To prevent any field rushing they had mad cops out and security and muzzled dogs and tons of pepper spray canisters and even a gun thing. They did pepper spray us even though we were committing the heinous crime of stnading in the stands and cheering...I coughed. So that was that. A great historical momentous occasion.

And! The DDeacons won the ACC championship and are now headed to the Orange Bowl. I have not a clue where the bowl is and I still don't understand why it's such a big deal but I got more texts about that then about the UCLA game so I guess it's kind of a big deal...so...yay. Anyway, that concludes my sports notes for the night. I"m off to Houston's w/ my brother and his girlfriend who I think is becoming a permanent fixture in his life. I continue to work on getting over the fact that she is my age and has 5 years on him. I really am working hard...

Yep, last time I checked, I was stilll white.

So I was in Altadena (somewhere out by Pasadena…) today and btw since inquiring minds like to know (that is fun to say) I was there for my little internship thing, that’s where the offices are. So anyway I left around 6:30 and was supposedly going to hit like all this mad crazy traffic and I was starving so I was like f’ it, I am going to eat McDonald’s. Shut up, I don’t want to hear it.

Anyway. So I walk in, and near the back of the restaurant there is this table of like 6 or 8 black guys. And they see me, and they start pounding the table and chanting “White girl! White girl!” They just did it like 3 or 4 times, but wtf? Are you serious? I was not really offended nor did I feel particularly troubled, I was just really, really confused. I paused very briefly in my steps and gave them a look, but I don’t really know what the look even said, I think it was mainly…confusion, like I said. Cuz yes, I am a white girl, this is true. But I mean, what if was like, “Black guys! black guys!” Then what? Then they would’ve been all up in my grill and calling me a racist little bitch or something right? I don’t know. It was weird. And, Veeve asked logically, was this an area that is low on whities? But it’s f’in Pasadena, so no, it’s def not so far as I know. Very odd I think, very odd.

Not quite as odd as the movie called Wild Things about the men of the American Ballet Theatre that I watched at Greg’s last night…yes, I said that…he loves that movie…don’t ask why he and his fiancé own it, I’m not sure about that, but it’s f’in hilarious watching these silly men in tights talk about their careers in ballet. Anyway, I’m peacing out. Ta-ta, toodles, nightie-night.