Day started off at Harrah’s pool ($44/night? I say yes.). At check in I asked the desk guy, “how’s the pool?” His response: “Umm, it’s ok I guess. It’s not a resort pool. It’s the original pool. It’s…a pool though…” Most enthusiastic. Thanks. The pool, by Vegas standards, and mine, was ghe-tto. Small and shitty, and most un-hot. Mostly old people (we thought the woman laying next to us was dead for a while), a lot of people that I would prefer to see fully clothed v. in swimming attire, and a group of guys that looked both underage and extremely gay. Oh, one of them was wearing a hot pink Abercrombie bathing suit. He had this huge tag on his ass – you know, the paper kind – and it was driving me nuts. I finally had to tell him. So his friend yanked it off for me. He didn’t even say thank you, ass hole. But then I later realized it was still there…guess it wasn’t paper…guess that’s why he didn’t thank me.
Followed the pool day with a $ massage at the spa, which was heavenly. The masseuse complemented me on my ability to zone out so completely. Why thank you sir!! After a steam and a nice nap, we headed to Circus Circus, home to “families and degenerates,” for a fat steak dinner. The atmosphere was cool – typical dark wood manly steakhouse place, which nicely complemented our manly conversation which consisted mainly of movie quotes and references (how do men hold all that stuff in their brains) and lesbianism (does that topic ever get old for guys? def. not). The steaks were too charred on the outside.
We then hunted down some black jack tables. I say hunted down, b/c it was around midnight, prime gambling time, and we could NOT find playable tables. Circus Circus had like 2 BJ tables and they were all like single deck. Flamingo (you see we go for the cheap establishments) had lucky lady tables. Don’t know what that means really but it’s not normal BJ and it was annoying. On to
Gambling done, time for other forms of entertainment: Crazy Horse Too. This was only my second visit to a strip club, and the other one I went to was much different. At the door they tell us it’s $20 to get in. I told them sorry, I’m a girl, there is no way I’m paying. It worked. I should try that tactic more often. Furthermore, I promptly announced to the boys that this girl would not be buying her own drinks at this fine establishment. That also worked. See? I do always get my way, SP. And I like it. So this place is super dark. Women in various states of undress – lots of thongs, a little school girl chick, a cop wearing assless chaps – I guess you can pretty much pick whatever you want. Actually, one of the strippers I was chatting up also confirmed that. Her choice was a swim suit, which was kind of dumb choice in my opinion, but I’m no stripper. The night was interesting for a few reasons. Let’s pick out some favorite fun facts and anecdotes:
§ Fun fact: Men are whores. If I so much hear my (future) husband mention strip clubz, I will promptly chain him to a tree.
§ Fun fact: The real action happens out on the floor in lap dance heaven. The stage is simply a way for the ladies to build their brand image. This is something really good to know if you’re ever contemplating stripping.
§ Favorite quote: I’m in the bathroom and BR attendant is loving me. She practically washed my hands for me. “Don’t mess up mama’s chrome! Let me get that faucet for you. Let me lotion put some lotion on your hands. Mama treat you right at the tittie bar!”
§ Highlight #1: L’il Jon sighting. Yep! L’il Jon, trailed by a full entourage, was at the Crazy Horse, in a little roped off portion back in the corner. I sauntered solo over to his body guard and asked if I could meet L’il Jon. He told me to come back in 10 minutes, so I did. He let me into the roped area and I strolled up to the King of Crunk and introduced myself. He asked how I was doing. I said, great, how are you? Great. Then it hit me: I had absolutely nothing to say to L’il Jon. Could’ve said something like, “Oh, I love your music!” but then he might’ve asked me, “oh what’s your fav song?” and honestly, I can’t name a single L’il Jon song. So I proceeded to make one of the dumbest comments ever: “Umm, I really like your hat…” Which was a goofy white side-tipped baseball hat. So then I started to fondle the brim of hat. And like lightening his bodyguard stepped in, grabbed my forearm, and goes “That is it! You are out of here!” before dragging me out of the area. What the f did he think I was going to do? Steal his hat? I don’t know, but am I smooth? Or am I smooth?? I don’t know, but, umm, I really like your hat…
§ Highlight #2: Thanks for the dance assholes. The boys decide that I must get a lap dance. I make sure that I drink an ample amount and then we start scanning for a girl for me. This one girl is pretty cute, I say. My good friend, Garg the gurgler champion cum-eater, goes over to chat with her I guess. Apparently, he was like, my friend would like a dance from you, and she goes, “where’s your friend?” he points me out, she looks over, and goes “yeah, I don’t really give dances to girls.” He tells me this and I throw a tantrum, as the glance over suggests that she may have turned ME down and not girls in general. Ridiculous? Check. typical? Check… Anyway. We find me a girl. She was cute I guess. I don’t know. It’s hard to concentrate when you’re having one of the most awkward moments of your life. She kind of hiked my dress up and then started doing that whole gyration thing. I was especially a fan of the boobs in my face. I turned my head sideways to avoid them but they were so damn big… I started to chat her up in an effort to relax myself, asked her for the best moves if I were to dance for my boyfriend. Her favorite move is apparently the nuzzling face in the lap…not sure of how I feel about that. we’ll say that I was ok with the dance being over when the song ended.
Anyway, that concluded the evening. Finally emerged into the sunlight just before 6am and got a bit of sleep before hitting up the Bellagio for buffet action (recommended for brunch…def not recommended for lunch…). So, all in all it was pretty much planet ridiculous the whole trip. I’m about to get into bed in preparation for my traffic court date in the morning…fun…
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