My Personal Hell

I just got stood up for the second time in two days. Luckily it’s not really a blow to the self esteem cuz I didn’t get stood up for date, just a business call, but that’s pretty bad anyway because it leaves me with nothing to do.

Anyway, so last night I had my panties in a bundle for quite some time over a gym-related situation. I went to the gym prepared to swim, I didn’t bring any gym clothes save for swim stuff so I was pretty much married to the pool for the evening. I noticed when I was checking in that “24 Hour Aqua” was scheduled from 5:30 to 6:30 and it was nearly 5:15. I asked the guys if the pool would still be open and they said Aqua uses the whole pool…I asked if it was all old women…they didn’t hesitate in their affirmative response.

I suited up and was about 4 laps in before I was stopped dead in my strokes by this really fat woman. And then I realized all the lane lines were gone, and the pool was actually filled with fat woman. I’m sorry if you’re offended, but there is no other way to describe the scene. Unless you want to add that it was fat women in really heinous swim suits (note to staff: it’s not “old” women that take the class)*. I asked the women if they would keep a lane open for swimming, but they said that the instructor is really strict about that. They invited me to join them, said it’s a real workout. Yes, clearly, I can see that it also provides fantastic physical results.

The instructor arrives. It’s an effeminate Asian man bearing an effeminate looking boom box (PS: his music mix was just fantastic. You could barely hear it, but when you did it was playing something completely unexpected…his “mix” transitioned from early 90s techno, to Slim Shady, to Sinatra, to Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard. Scientifically crafted for water aerobics I guess.). I ask if he can keep just one lane open. He gives me a Meryl Streep-esque look a la DWP and informs me that he needs the entire pool for his class. Yes, let’s take a minute to think about why you might need the entire pool. And, side note, btw. I am thinking, if I’m really large, do I want to voluntarily put on my swimsuit? I don’t think that I do. So why are all the biggest women in this gym the ones putting on the least amount of clothing? Just a question.

So anyway, it’s 5:30, and I am meeting a friend (Mr. K Kent) in Newport for dinner at 7:30, and I really don’t see what else to do…where am I going to go? I’m in my suit…I have this time…nothing else to do…I am taking water aerobics. What to say about this class. We play with little foam weights and do QB little things, prancing from one end of the pool to the other, swinging our arms around, treading a little bit, kicking against the wall (PS: I’m 99.99% positive that during the kick session I was the only one who actually made a splash…). We were punching our arms, scissoring our legs, I don’t know. I am fairly certain that I didn’t even come close to breathing hard. The only thing I gained was an exercise in anger management, b/c I had a lot of frustration brewing inside, as I fumed over my stolen workout.

Later on at dinner I was telling Kelly about my little water adventure. He likened it to the time he took group swim lessons to improve his strokes, which required him to participate in the public pool’s group lap sessions. Now I won’t go into specifics, but he was a bit harsher in his descriptions of the other swimmers, which I think may have involved associations with certain marine animals, say, manatees.

Alright now. I am done. Lesson learned: always check the schedule for 24 Hour Aqua before packing up your gym bag. I can let this episode go now and move on. On a closing note, and completely unrelated, I really think I want to get a puppy. Veeve you reading this? There is something we need to talk about…

*Disclaimer: I do actually think it’s fantastic that these women were there, as they were actually getting out there and being healthy. I am just temporarily bitter that my workout was squashed by this lame class.