Hey, Lauren, What Comes Before Part B? Part-AYYY!!!

Key Takeaway: So let’s just cut right to the chase. Laguna Beach, Season Three premiered last night, and as you already knew, or guessed, this girl watched it. Well I really watched 20 minutes of lame ass commercials with 10 minutes of content tossed in for good measure, but who’s being analytical. Let’s start at the “20,000 foot view” (I hate when people say this in business, especially when they use it thematically, like, “oh, those guys, they operate at the 20,000 foot level, and then these guys, they have more a 10,000 foot view, and then these guys, they are really close to the customer, like 1,000 feet”) Ok I got way off track. Anyway, key takeaway: girls are bitches. I am very insightful this morning.

Would that be Weird?: I know that girls can be mean. I’ve had my share of gossipy back-stabbing scenarios, and I’ve been the giver and the taker. But seriously, in Laguna Beach it’s like a whole new level. I think my favorite part was actually at the beginning, when outcast Tessa, who is oddly enough the narrator (which brings whole new refreshing spin to the show) is talking to her friend Rocky. Oh, and I’m sorry, Rocky, but that has got to be the worst choice of nickname I’ve ever heard of. You sound like a damn man, and your name is Raquel, and you’re tremendously feminine. And this is coming from a girl who has let her friends call her such monikers as Linderstupid (thanks Mibs, you bitch) or Linderslut (thanks Mare, you whore). Continuing on though, Tessa has just gotten invited to a BBQ at the head Alpha female’s house, Kyndra, and she tells Rocky that she has to come with her. And Rocky’s like, “but wouldn’t that be weird?” and Tessa is like “No, she invited me and you’d be with me.”

Yes, that Would Be Weird. And Awkward: Switch scenes to expensive boutique where Kyndra is shopping with her uber-dreadful-bitch best friend Cami. I really need to stress this again. Cami the very definition of human misery. The things that come out of this girl’s mouth must have been thought of by the devil himself. Oh, and Cami, you are UGLY. Seriously, she kind of has a pig face. Now, I don’t like to directly jab at others’ looks, but when people are mean and happen to be ugly, I consider jabs at their looks fair game b/c they suck. Anyway. So Kyndra is like “Umm, I sent a text msg to Tessa inviting her to my party.” And Cami is like, “That is random. Why did you do that? What if she brings that freak Rocky?” (or something like that). And Kyndra is like, “Why would she do that? That would be weird.” So, Rocky, I guess you are right, it would in fact be weird, and Tessa, you were wrong.

Nothing Went Down: The bbq is one of the most awkward things I’ve ever seen. Kyndra and her bitch clique (they really like to actually use the word clique on the show and constantly talk about their cliques) recline on poolside sofas and throw dagger eyes and opening spew venomous comments directed at Tessa and Rocky until they finally leave. “Way to make a girl feel comfortable” as Rocky put it. Good job, Rocks, you were right on w/ that thought. I’m personally surprised they even let Tessa inside the party…I thought there was going to be a little “girlfight” (Cami did a nice ref to the R&B song, good work) action going down. (sidenote: I guess E-Four-O would’ve been there b/c everywhere you meet that guy it’s goin’ down).

Boy Analogies: So that is that with the girls. Now let’s do some parallels b/t the boyz of this season and the boyz of seasons past. In my esteemed opinion, Cameron=Jason W (big, dumb, not really that cool but everyone thinks he is, huge man slut) and Chase=Talan (the sensitive, sweet one who lends the shoulder to cry on and most likely will get totally douched on by at least one of the girls at some point).

Cameron, You Suck: Cameron, all the girls think you are totally hot and shit. I will not lie, you have one hot body my friend, but your face leaves something to be desired and you also seem like a total jackass. But, in true Jason fashion, the girls lust after you anyway, and now you’re in a Jessica/Cameron/Kyndra love triangle, and mark my words, any love triangle that involve Jessica is only going to become a disaster sooner or later, and probably sooner (and I can’t wait!!!).

Chase, You Can’t Sing: Chase, I don’t know about you. I don’t have much to go on. But honey, despite what Tessa told you, I think your music rather sucks and I really don’t see a future there for you. So I hope you have other stuff to offer.

That about wraps things up. Just to note, the show closed with Jessica watching her little Adonis Cameron frolicking in the waves. She’s talking about having 1 million of his babies (not really, but I bet she would. She’s a self-admitted slut, remember that priceless scene from last season???). And little does she know…he was sleeping with Kyndra the night before… Oh the drama and the madness. Is it next Wed. yet???