Please Rank the Following on a Weirdness/Skeeviness Scale of 1-3

Ok. First off, let me remark that I’m fortified this morning by the meal of ribs, steak (yes, ribs AND steak!!!), baked potatoes, grilled corn on the cob, and salad that my surrogates prepared for me last night. Yes, summer in the OC does have its perks. So thank you S&J for fueling my Friday. It gives me the energy I need to write about stupid, pointless things…

Anyway, I think there are three things that I need to call out this morning, and the only thing they have in common is that they are all a little weird. This should be appreciated, as it creates an almost interactive experience where one has the opportunity to read, contemplate, and ultimately rank which thing strikes you as the oddest or skeeviest. On with the show.

Jeff’s Medical History, Revealed: I am in the kitchen yesterday, when this engineering guy that I’m fairly certain I’ve never really met or talked to asks me, “Sara, I hope you don’t mind me asking, but are you Yiddish?” Hmm. Well, I’m thinking, I don’t think Yiddish is something you can technically “be.” It’s more an old Polish/Jewish dialect. So I stammer a little, and I’m like, “well, umm, Yiddish…I guess, can you be Yiddish? I mean…I am Jewish…and I think my background is rooted in Eastern European nations…” And he’s like “Well, yes, I meant Jewish. I just asked because I’m actually Jewish. And your last name, I thought you were too. There are so few Jews in this area. It’s kind of nice to meet more Jews.”

So then we start talking about being Jewish, and I tell him that he should come to LA b/c it’s a definite Jewish hot spot. And then very quickly, it spirals in a new direction after I mention UCLA. He’s like, “I went to UCLA, too! That’s also where I got my heart transplant and leg transplant 9 years ago!” Right. So I still do not know this guys name, but I know he’s Jewish, I know he has a fake heart (and he was Class 5 and very nearly didn’t get his transplant), a prosthetic leg, the names of his medical team, and the fact that his brother owns a Kosher meat market where one of his doctor’s purchases his dead animal products. The conversation ends with this guy saying we should totally go to lunch, and I’m like “Yes! Of course.”

And I walk away, and I still don’t know his name…even though I feel like I know his entire life story… So I have Brian do some recon work and discover his name, so that’s good, but hey guys, come on – weird, right?

Hate to Break this to You, but Those Fish Are DECORATIVE: I received a 1am text from a friend who will remain nameless only b/c this story makes him look like such a jackass: “Is it too fratty to eat a Beta fish at a trendy bar?” Umm, did you really need to ask me that? You are over the age of 20 aren’t you? and you do have the wherewithal to realize that eating live fish decorating the flower vase on the table of the bar where you are drinking, most likely, a $7 beer, is not adult behavior, right?

If you people are going to participate in such inane and completely moronic activities, do not come crying to me when I write about them in the public domain. It’s almost like you WANT me to write about you. So, pretty f’in skeevy right? BTW, my response was calling him and telling him a recent NYTimes article I read about these massive 30 feet tapeworms that you can acquire through eating uncooked freshwater fish.

What if I Don’t Make the Cut?: Again, I really want to emphasize the importance of this weekend – in case you’ve forgotten, Monday is my BIRTHDAY which I will actually be celebrating on Saturday. And Sunday. And perhaps, tonight. Anyway. Mana invited me to some pool party thing that is sponsored by this private club that one of her friends is in. I still really have not figured out what the hell this club actually is, or does, or who belongs, or what I’ll be getting myself into…but according to Mana most of the other women will be very tall, anorexic, fake blond, with fake large breasts. Boy oh boy, sign me up bitch!

Anyway, she forwarded me an email from this club thing today and I gave it a skim. Read about some celebrity line ups, read about some poker tournaments, read about the weekend plans…and then got to this section:

New Female Guest Policy: X… is now reserving the right to not admit all female guests to X… events. As you all know, we are running private events in which we exercise discretion and check references with respect to the acceptance of new members, and we are now going to exercise similar discretion with respect to any guests as well.

We still absolutely encourage all members to bring as many female guests as you’d like to X… events (the more the better!), but we also do expect you to exercise your own discretion in selecting quality guests. To be clear, the criteria for “quality” should go far beyond physical beauty and generally include whatever criteria you would use in selecting guests for your own high-end private functions. If you have any questions with respect to specific individuals you’d like to have guest privileges, please email Gina at…

Guys, what kind of place IS this??? What if I don’t in? What if I don’t make the “physical beauty” cut (impossible!)? What if I don’t meet the “criteria you would use in selecting guests for your own high-end private functions?” (well, I don’t really ever have private high-end functions, so this somewhat irrelevant…but…what do you think these criteria would be??).

Anyway, this weird little policy and possibly very interesting little scene that I’ll be getting into on Sunday is my third and final weird/skeevy (with a weighting toward the skeevy in this case) thing. This now concludes the list of options, so happy ranking, should you choose to participate.

Oh, again, reminder, Monday IS my birthday. I’ll be 26. Mark your damn calendar.