Not Down with OPV

I bet you’re like, what is OPV? It’s a riddle for you. If you can’t solve it after you read this, then, I hate to be mean, you’re dumb. Cuz I think it’s pretty easy to solve.

Anyway, so I’m at the beach on Sunday, and I get a text from Joe, saying that someone threw up on Greg’s hand on Sat night when they were out. I talked to him y-day to verify this story, and I guess they were walking through the dance floor area, and Greg was like “dude, someone just vomited on my hand.” I’m serious. I think that is one of foulest things that could happen to you in a bar. It also skeeved me out a little b/c ask me what bar they were at. I’ll just go ahead and tell you. They were at 217, which, coincidentally, is the bar where my birthday celebration is this coming weekend. What if someone vomits on me???

Because, you know, I’ve actually been vomited on before. It was freshman year at Wake, and I’m at an off-campus party, and when we leave we all pile into an SUV and there are like 20 of us (well not really 20 but something like that) and I’m in the way back sandwiched in b/t someone, someone, someone, and Robin. Robin’s a guy, btw – but he’s southern so he has one of those weird-ass family name. In fact his real name is Robertson. Also he lives on a plantation. But, I’m digressing.

So, here we are, on the way back to the dorm, when Robin casually tilts his head to the side and begins to vom. And where does a good amount of this bodily fluid land? In my luscious mane, err I mean, my hair.* And I pretty much freaked. But there was nowhere to escape. So I tilt my hair away from me and just panic until finally we arrive and I leap out of the car and run into the building. And I’m shouting, hysterically, at the top of my lungs, “get me my shampoo!! Somebody grab my shower stuff!!! I have vomit in my hair!! I think it’s going to make me vomit!! Help me please!!” And I’m running w/ my head tilted fully sideways to keep my hair away from me, and I’m dry heaving, and I’m stripping off clothes and depositing them on the floor as I run so I can get into the shower as quickly as possible. Anyway, so, that is a pretty shitty ending, but that’s pretty much what happened. Then I washed my hair like 8 times and all was restored. And, I forgave Robin, b/c I’m nice like that.

And, while we are on the topic of other people getting their bodily fluids on you (get your mind out of the gutter please!!), I have to tell one of my favorite “anecdotes.” While living in DC, Brett was out one night w/ his old frat brothers and they were in various states of drunkenness, but Larry (who we used to call funny looking Larry) was the kingpin of drunkeness. He was hammered. I guess he needed to be taken home but no one wanted to deal with him. So Brett is standing by the corner of the bar, and Larry saunters up, and I guess he proceeds to: unzip his pants, pull his junk out, and pee, right there, on the bar. So Brett is standing right by him, and I guess Larry pretty much pees like all over one of the legs of Brett’s jeans. Brett is usually very even keeled, but he got like super pissed off, and when Brett gets pissed he kind of goes incredible hulkish. It’s like there is normal Brett and there is really, really, really angry Brett, and there is no gray area. I think he was about this close to breaking a beer bottle over FLL’s head, which, I would like to point out, would’ve been a very, very bad thing. Brett does not like to be reminded about this story, but personally, I get a little giggly just thinking about it. I guess I like to laugh at other people’s misfortunes.

I can think of other nasty stories that involve people getting other people’s fluids on them, but they are really pretty icky so I’ll refrain, which means this is The End. So…OPV.you get it?????

*Side note: I’m currently drinking a glass of Airborne-tableted-water courtesy of Brian, and it tastes gooood!!!